What happens after you die?

I don’t recall exactly when I was suddenly struck by these ideas, but it must have been at the end of my elementary school days or in junior high school. I know that I tried to forget the more terrifying of the questions because, first of all, there was nobody with whom I could seek counsel, but more importantly, it had become an obsession that I felt could not be disclosed. As I watched the adults around me, I would tell myself that once one becomes an adult, these problems would naturally disappear.

“I’m afraid of dying;” “What happens after you die?” It is almost inconceivable that junior high school boys will have such conversations about death. At that age, their main interest becomes of girls and sex. As for my inner development, as I grew I developed somewhat of an aversion to sexual impulses as the haunting notion of “my death” would not leave my mind. The memories I have of my junior high days are of a depressing, painful period.

Whenever I would solve math problems, become absorbed in a novel, or listen to music, I could forget about this world. Math, novels and music encompassed my entire psychological life. The pleasure I derived from solving math puzzles set the foundation for how my intellectual personality would develop. That foundation was the excitement that accompanies the surprising flash of knowledge that penetrated my confused mind. This is one of the periods of my life in which I truly felt satisfied.

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The Structure of the Inner Life of a Philosopher (1998)
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