Emptiness after ejaculation and male sexual frigidity: Insensitive Man Ch.2

There is a myth about the ejaculation. This is the myth that the ejaculation feels wonderful and is the experience of supreme bliss. There must be many people who think that the ejaculation is an experience of supreme bliss for men. In particular, women simply believe that to be true, don’t they? Nevertheless, here lies a big trap.

In retracing my thoughts during moments of sexual excitement, I realize that I was thinking that I could experience an amazing pleasure by ejaculating, but in fact, after ejaculating, there is only a mocking emptiness as if I were stranded in a dry desert.

*Translation by Jamie Grefe+Masahiro Morioka (further elaboration is needed) .
*Page numbers in the original are marked by [(preceding page) / (following page)].

    From this point, I will concisely investigate the secret of uniform fetishism and rorikon, but before that, in this chapter I would like to further consider male sexual sensibility. In all seriousness, this subject will become a bit dismal, but I hope that you will read with endurance and patience, because, without dealing with these issues, the sexuality of men cannot be talked about.
    I discussed pornography (sellable “sexy” commodities such as erotic photographs, videos and books) and “insensitivity” from the viewpoint of men at a symposium for the Congress of Women’s Studies Association of Japan held in 2002. Since I spoke in front of distinguished feminists, I felt considerable nervousness. On that day, I asked the audience to refrain from recording my speech, because I talked considerably about myself. Instead, the contents of that day’s speech were published in Women’s Studies Vol.10 (2002), so I want you to look at them. In this chapter, I have mended and made easier the main contents of that speech. [26/27]
    The symposium’s theme was “men and pornography.” I thought that I would talk using my own experiences of pornography, because there are a variety of male sexualities, and hence we are not able to talk about “this is what men are like.” All I can talk about now is, “this is what I am like.” Therefore, and also in this book, I want to write from the subject, “I.” (Note: From this point, since I’m attracted to women, I’ll be speaking from the perspective of heterosexuality. However, I will definitely not disregard the perspective of homosexuality.)
    Regarding pornography, I can knowingly assert that the photographs and videos that I am fond of are extremely commonplace. This is because the pornography that I would like to see is commonly sold. Therefore, even though I’m speaking for myself, it should be the case that many men like these things in the same ways that I do.
    Now, I wonder under what circumstances do men watch pornography? Contemplating the example of my case, in the first place, one reason is simply that the feelings of wanting to watch pornography arise. After watching pornography, I am usually satisfied with only watching and go out for dinner etc., but sometimes it occurs that I masturbate while watching it. When I masturbate, ejaculation frequently occurs. [27/28] Of course, I sometimes use pornography for the sole purpose of ejaculation.

    Well, I want to examine one question. That question is, “What do men do with pornography after ejaculation?” Said otherwise, after masturbating and ejaculating, what do men do with pornographic photographs and videos? If I think about myself, there is only one answer. After ejaculating, it’s not a possibility that I will continue watching or looking at the porn. There is the putting away of the photograph or the switching off of the video. Immediately after ejaculation, I feel like throwing away the porn that I was viewing as soon as possible. For the time being after ejaculation, pornography transforms itself into something I never want to see again. In addition, to change my feelings, I want to leave my room and take in the fresh air outside. Why on earth is this? For the purpose of understanding the ejaculation, it is a comfort to know of the “alienated experience” of the ejaculation.
    There is a myth about the ejaculation. This is the myth that the ejaculation feels wonderful and is the experience of supreme bliss. There must be many people who think that the ejaculation is an experience of supreme bliss for men. In particular, women simply believe that to be true, don’t they? Nevertheless, here lies a big trap. [28/29]
    Speaking from my experience, to say that the ejaculation is an experience of supreme bliss is out-of-the-question. The pleasure of ejaculation is no more than that of excretion, such as “ahh…I feel refreshed after having it all come out.” I would like to think about this a little. While ejaculating, is the sexual arousal of man excited to the point of “pouring tears?” Are there men whose lower half of the body is paralyzed after ejaculation and who “can’t stand up?”Are there men whose mind “go completely blank” while ejaculating? What of men who are absorbed in ecstasy and become “unable to articulate properly”? Even if men experience one of these, is the ejaculation the cause of this?
    Among women, of course there are differences among individuals, but it seems that there are people who can appreciate the extreme point of what I have written above. However, I have never had a pleasant ejaculation like that. When I look back upon the moment of ejaculation, I am clearly aware of the circumstance around me. The shoulder muscles firmly sustain my body and, with a clear awareness of the circumstance like a soldier holding his gun, I feel the twitching convulsions of the sexual organ. After the ejaculation is over, the excitement settles down quickly. At that point, the sexy feelings fade to somewhere and instead there remains only an unspeakable feeling of emptiness.
    Finally, I recover the ability to move and the sense of balance immediately after ejaculating. [29/30] That is, I can easily stand up, look for my underwear or go to the bathroom. The time to have an appreciation of " the lingering satisfaction after having sex" with my whole body, is not even given to me. This is because the sexy feelings so far are suddenly lost as soon as I ejaculate. I can’t help feeling that the bodies of men are fundamentally made up like that.

    It has been pointed out numerous times that men do not necessarily experience strong ecstasy during the moment of ejaculation. For example, the writer Yan Sogiru asserts that, “The ejaculation is an act of excretion.” In addition, it is written that,“The sexual arousal of man is like putting up with the want to urinate. Hence, men’s sexy feelings disappear after ejaculation, just like when we experience the refreshing feeling of urinating.” (Otoko no Saga [The Sexuality of Man], Gentousha Autoro Bunko, 1999, p.86, 180, originally published in 1992.)
    The psychologist Wilhelm Reich wrote, for men without the ability to feel, “The sexual act is nothing but an evacuation, followed by a reaction of disgust.” (The Function of the Orgasm, Souvenir Press, 1973, p.164.)
    The following is clearly elucidated by the columnist Michael Ventura: [30/31] “Ejaculation is a muscle spasm that many men often feel with virtually no sensation but the twitch of a spasm.” “But many ejaculations for many men happen without any sensation of coming.” (Michael Ventura “Coming” in Keith Thompson (ed.), To be a Man. Jeremy P. Tarcher, 1991, p.124.)
    In this same way, Jun’ichi Watanabe expresses the feeling that follows ejaculation. “For men, just after the ejaculation, everything is over…there is a release of a pleasant sensation, and after that only the image of death as emptiness remains.”(Otoko to Iumono [What the Nature of Men is Like], p.152.)
    In retracing my thoughts during moments of sexual excitement, I realize that I was thinking that I could experience an amazing pleasure by ejaculating, but in fact, after ejaculating, there is only a mocking emptiness as if I were stranded in a dry desert.
    In my book, “Seimeigaku ni Naniga Dekiruka? [Life Studies Approaches to Bioethics]” (Keisou Shobou, 2001), this subject of “the experience of alienation” is called, “the frigidity of men.” A quotation from that same book is,

This is the reality of the ejaculation for me. Of course I can feel an amazing ecstasy, however, it is experienced only mentally before the ejaculation, namely, while I am having sex.

    There are two indications as to the frigidity of man. The first is that there is not an immense sense of physical ecstasy in the ejaculation. It is no more than the instant pleasure of bodily excretion. Secondly, after ejaculating, the excitement instantly dries up. My whole body is listless and there is a dark emptiness as if in a nightmare. The latter is the worst problem for me. Because by prolonging the process before ejaculation, I can appreciate a longer sexual excitement, and also I can devise my way of having sex as to slightly enhance the pleasant sensations of ejaculation, but at the same time, what kind of effort should I give, since immediately after the ejaculation, those pleasant sensations completely dry up and a sense of emptiness comes to my mind. [32/33] Watanabe’s expression, “the image of death as emptiness” is completely accurate. The ejaculation always concludes with this despairing sensation. This is where “male frigidity” lies.
    I don’t know the total ratio of how many men are caught in “male frigidity,” however I’m certainly the one with this frigidity. If a woman explains the same symptoms to a doctor, the doctor should diagnose her with “frigidity.” This is the reason why I call my case “male frigidity.”
    Now, let’s consider the opposite. How is the ejaculation for the man who doesn’t have “male frigidity?” If one’s ejaculation is something more than the “pleasure of excretion,” and if the whole body is filled by supreme bliss after the ejaculation, with those echoes stretching on, and then the assault of the feeling of emptiness doesn’t come, it is wise to say that it is not “male frigidity.” However, until now I have not had an ejaculatory experience of that kind.

    Next, I’m going to talk about the relationship between the “erection” and “ejaculation.”
    To begin with, when I become erect an unspeakable sense of fulfillment begins to swell inside my body.[33/34] There occurs the urge to insert the penis into the interior of a woman. At that time there is really no feeling of self-denial. There might even be triumphant feelings of being a man.
    However, the erection goes away after the ejaculation. There is a moment of excretory pleasure and after that, the assault of emptiness.
    That is to say, the process from erection up until the ejaculation is like this: First there is an “I feel great” satisfaction, and a moment of excretory pleasure follows. Then, all of a sudden, like a big gap, the process of lethargy, emptiness and defeat come down upon me. Whenever I have sex, or perhaps, whenever I masturbate, there is this attack. After ejaculating, I have the feeling of wanting to divert my eyes from things sexual, but as time goes by, my sexual desires come back and the process continues all over again. In this way, through one’s whole life there are the repeated feelings of falling and this is the typical symptom for male frigidity. Of course, I think there are times when sex is “good,” but actually, it is but the sense of mental satisfaction or happiness that is experienced only when I have sex with a woman I love. By no means is there ever the sense of supreme bliss after ejaculation.
    Because it is painful to directly confront this feeling of falling, the male consciousness concentrates on the act of sex up until immediately before the ejaculation. Men in pornographic videos naturally disappear from the screen after the ejaculation, or perhaps, the porn video ends after that. Pornography must not have the melancholy that lingers after the ejaculation. [34/35]
    When having sex with a woman that I love, it is possible that post-ejaculatory emptiness is spiritually compensated by the emotion that I love my partner. I sincerely think that those are the times when I experience good sex. It should be noted that in those times I turn my consciousness away from the physical feeling of falling with this spiritual power. That is, even in the case of spiritually satisfying sex, there is a true taste of the post-ejaculatory depression.

    The inability to ejaculate or not being able to ejaculate when one wants to is called, in psychiatry, “male orgasmic disorder (DSM-IV:302.74)”. However, I should note that this term does not include the idea of “male frigidity” I am talking about in this book.
    For men, overall, there are three matters of concern: impotence, premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation. There is a gathering interest in whether or not men can get an erection, and whether or not men can time their ejaculations to happen at the perfect moment. Psychiatry thinks that whether or not the ejaculation feels good is not an enormous problem when compared with the ones above.
    Evidence for this can be found in the standard textbook on sex therapy, Helen S. Kaplan’s The New Sex Therapy (Brunner/Mazel, 1974), [35/36] in which only the three problems of male sexuality are discussed. There is no description of the “male frigidity.”
    In the clinical world, it appears that the biggest problem for men is impotency (erectile dysfunction) and the biggest problem for women, frigidity. I think that “male frigidity” is as important a subject of study as “female frigidity,” but there are really no specialists who think like this. For example, in the Encyclopedia of Psychotherapy (in Japanese, revised ed. Baifukan, 2004), the term “frigidity” is described in the following way: “Frigidity is one of the female sexual dysfunctions. Frigid women do not experience sexual feelings, or those feelings are so weak that they cannot reach orgasm.” While a more detailed analysis can be found after this sentence, male frigidity is not mentioned at all. In nearly every case, the word “frigidity” is referred to in respect to “women’s” frigidity, and this is treated as a symptom that should be cured.

    There is some kind of trick here.
    We know that, here and there, men are talking in a whisper aside, that ejaculating is no more than urinating. However, I can’t help thinking that it is strictly forbidden in public to say that “If the ejaculation holds but the same agreeable sensation as urinating, isn’t this frigidity?” Such an expression is equivalent to boldly declaring that, “the king is dead.” Since men hold a position of superiority in this society, this kind of declaration should not be made in such a public context.
    Can a man perfectly achieve an erection and make a woman feel ecstasy in bed? This is the ordeal men have to go through. By perfectly carrying this out, men can have a sense of pride, and this brings them self-affirmation. Therefore, no matter how much emptiness men may have after the ejaculation, their minds are filled with such questions as “How was my sexual performance as a man?” and “Was she satisfied with my sexual performance?” Hence, as a result, there is no room for them to think deeply about “male frigidity.” In this way, before one knows it, the problem of male frigidity is gradually erased from the mind of men.
    Moreover, the phrase “male frigidity” implies that men, not women, are the subjects of medical treatment in terms of sexual pleasure. Or at least, this phrase implies that the fundamental problem lies on the part of a male’s sexual sensations. This way of thinking is uncomfortable to a male dominated society. [37/38] Hence, our society will try to ignore this phrase as much as possible.
    I think that at the bottom of the insensitive man’s heart, there is a “sense of loss.” This inevitable “sense of loss” is brought about by the idea that men can never experience the pleasant sensations of sex in the same way that women can. Chikako Ogura writes in her book that men hold a feeling of awe toward sexually mature women. She says that men are apt to think that “the sensations of women are much more intense and satisfying than that of men,” and that “men are merely tools for women,” and she concludes that this idea makes men feel a sense of unease. (Sekkusu Shinwa Kaitai Shinsho [A Book for Dismantling the Myth of Sex], Chikuma Bunko, 1995, pp.70-71, originally published in 1988)
    To begin with, inside a man’s head, there is the belief that “women seem to experience a great sexual pleasure from intercourse.” This is because whenever we watch adult videos and films, we can see women coming to climax many times with their bodies trembling with pleasure. Men can’t help comparing their own ejaculation to the spectacle of women in adult videos. However, looking at various studies, we find that there is a considerably large amount of women that do not feel a clear experience of having an orgasm during sex. (Shere Hite reports that only 26% of women are able to have an orgasm every time and that there are large personal differences in the orgasmic feelings.) But even with this, in adult videos it seems normal for women to be perpetually experiencing pleasant sexual ecstasies. As long as men continue to watch these kinds of pornographic videos, they will hold this belief about women’s physical sensations, and this fantasy will never fade away from inside the mind of men. Today’s sex might be understood as some quiet routine work performed between an insensitive man and woman who make the mistake of assuming that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” [38/39]

    This is my personal opinion, but isn’t it true that many men are vaguely aware of their own bodily insensitivity? If you hear the “dirty stories” of men you will easily understand what I am talking about. They proudly say things like, “Yesterday’s girl at such and such “soapland” (brothel) was excellent. She was so tight,” but interestingly, they rarely talk about the detailed bliss of their own ejaculation. This is the implicit rule for a dirty story. Although men are keen to talk in great detail about the functions of a woman’s body, there is no talk about the wonderful physical experience of one’s ejaculation. The description of the reports on the sex industry in magazines and newspapers for men is very similar to this as well. They often talk eloquently about sex workers’ physical bodies and their sexual techniques, as if they were afraid of something hidden coming to light. But, regarding the contents of the specific ejaculatory sensations of men, nothing has really been talked about.
    Phrases like, “that girl was awesome,” or “her sex play was the best,” overflow in the reports. They look as if they were “spells” trying to confine some sort of devil. Here, “male frigidity” is the devil that must be confined. [39/40] Kazunori Taniguchi provides an illustration about the feelings that arise after purchasing sex: “I was injuring myself. My ejaculation was only an excretion. My existence felt nauseated (Sei o Kau Otoko [Men Who Buy Sex]. Pandora, 1997, p.24).” This is a really frank confession. I have not bought sex, but through Taniguchi’s words, I can sufficiently imagine what he is talking about.
    I readily understand “male frigidity” because I myself suffer from it. I am sure that there are still many men who will assert that they do not suffer from “frigidity.” Of course, I don’t think that every man suffers from this frigidity. Still, I want to say that there has not been much talk about “male frigidity” until now.
    In opposition to my argument, one may say that since men and women’s bodies are differently constructed, it is a foolish endeavor to simply compare them. Or, they may say, it is foolish to think that men suffer from frigidity simply because they can’t experience pleasure in the same way that women can. This counterargument might be right, but actually, for me, it is painful to experience the post-ejaculatory emptiness and the feeling of falling, which always follows the ejaculation. Since a man is honestly confessing and describing his own physical and mental pain, wouldn’t it be appropriate to consider it as a medical symptom in a broad sense? (However, I wish to note that I don’t mean that since this is a medical symptom it should be cured. I will discuss this further in Chapter 5)
    I think it would be interesting and beneficial for men to frankly discuss their feelings of the ejaculation, their feelings after the ejaculation, and the influence these hold over their own sexuality. [40/41] They would be astonished to know that there are a variety of sexualities among them. At any rate, I wish to continue writing more about myself in this book. Even when talking about men in general, I will try to refrain from asserting, as much as possible, that men are such and such. I also intend to respect the sexuality of men who hold different sexual feelings from my own.

    Regarding the scientific study of human sexuality, there is the area of research known as, “sexual science.” I would like to take a close look this field, and see how sexual science has thought about male sexuality up until the present.
    Alfred Kinsey performed a statistical study of male sexuality, and published Sexual Behavior in the Human Male in 1948. This is the largest scale research on male sexuality to date. To express the sexual climax, Kinsey used the term, “orgasm.” Orgasm is the process of arriving at the climax, with a series of twitching convulsions, which are followed by a sudden release. And in the case of men, this process coincides with an ejaculation; hence, he considered the ejaculation to be synonymous with the orgasm. [41/42]
    However, Kinsey deliberately states that orgasm should not be mixed up with the “pleasure” resulting from orgasm. Furthermore, Kinsey clearly states that there are various degrees of sexual satisfaction, and that there are such cases where “there is little pleasure accompanying an ejaculation.” Kinsey had realized the existence of “male frigidity.” But, surprisingly enough, just after that he declares as follows:

Kinsey ignored the psychological diversity he had realized. By this declaration, made by Alfred Kinsey, the father of contemporary sexual science, was created the formula that ejaculation equals orgasm equals the sexual climax. And then, the issue of “male frigidity” has since disappeared from the forefront of sexual science. [42/43] Ever since then, this first misunderstanding has had an enormous influence.

    William Masters and Virginia Johnson scientifically observed actual human sexual intercourse, and published Human Sexual Response in 1966. This has been regarded as the bible of sexual science. In Chapter 14 of that book, they mention the psychological status of the ejaculation, but the explanation is limited to such topics as the sensation at the time of ejaculation, and the relation between the amount of sperm and pleasant sensations. They do not once touch upon post-ejaculatory emptiness (William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, Human Sexual Response. Little Brown and Company. 1966, pp.214-217).
    Shere Hite, in 1981, conducted detailed surveys of male sexuality from more than 7,000 men in the United States, and published The Hite Report on Male Sexuality (Knopf, 1981). This is the most detailed document of confession currently available on male sexuality. However, in her investigation, Hite uncritically accepted Kinsey’s formula, and collected men’s opinions on the premise that ejaculation is equal to orgasm. By making this mistake, She failed to find out men’s real opinions about “male frigidity.” As a result, moreover, she couldn’t provide any clear answers to the questions, “How does the orgasm of a man really feel?” and “How do orgasms of women differ from those of men?” [43/44]
    Then, what about the field of sex therapy? Helen Kaplan equates ejaculation with orgasm in her book, The New Sex Therapy (Brunner/Mazel, 1974). It is understood that Kinsey’s influential power is very strong here.
    In 1992, Bernie Zilbergeld’s important book, The New Male Sexuality was published. This next example is from that book.

In this way, Zilbergeld corrects the mistake made by Kinsey, and reconfirms the fact that there are men who do not feel so much pleasure when ejaculating. However, regarding the feelings that follow the ejaculation, the only statement he made is, “After ejaculation, many men experience feelings of lassitude and deep relaxation” (p.96). [44/45] In the entire 580 pages of description on male sex and sexuality, there is only this one point where he discusses how men feel after the ejaculation. It seems strange that there is only this one description. He does no further delving into “male frigidity.”

Section 2 The Analysis of the Feeling of "Accumulation"
Section 3 What is Pornography for Men?

Philosophical study of life, death, and nature